Don't Fall In Love, There's Just Too Much To Lose
by kaufmanl
Summary: A short glimpse into Hazel's life after Augustus is gone, and how she copes with the loss. Just a one-shot, based off the song "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade. More specifically, the line, "Don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose."


**Hey! This was actually a school project that was only supposed to be eight sentences long, and then I got kind of carried away. Just a one-shot. Please review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Fault in Our Stars. If I did, I'd be really really really rich and probably wouldn't be writing fanfic about it. **

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_"Don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose."_

_-Mayday Parade, "Terrible Things"_

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of sad music. It helps me feel. After Augustus died, all I felt was a hollow, empty numbness. I know I should have been drowning in my own tears, staring at pictures of us on my phone and desperately trying to convince myself it hadn't happened, but instead I just go through the motions, totally emotionless. Then I'm guilty, because I know I shouldn't feel this way.

The sad music helps. And by "help", I mean it makes me sad. When I hear those lyrics, "She said, 'Boy, can I tell you a terrible thing? It seems that I'm sick and I've only got weeks.", I can see the moment when Augustus told me he was dying so vividly, it's like I've got a home movie playing in my brain. Then I feel. I feel the hopelessness, the sadness, the loneliness, the agony, all the things I know I should feel. I have a million horrible, painful emotions, but the one I don't have is guilt.

"Terrible Things" speaks to me. I know it sounds cheesy, but it does. I agreed with everything Mayday Parade has to say, especially, "Don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose."

Never again will I fall in love. Not because I don't want to, but because I simply can't. I can't be so enamoured with someone without remembering what it feels like to lose them. I can't get too close to people without pulling away, because I'm afraid of this terrible pain I feel now. And somehow, loving someone else would feel like betrayal. Betrayal to Augustus, the boy who spent his dying days writing a letter to Peter Van Houten asking him to write my eulogy. I could never love anyone else without feeling like a traitor.

I don't do much anymore. I stay in my room, I listen to sad music, I leave dead Augustus Waters voicemails, and I cry. My mom tries to get me out of my room, but she never can.

Mom: Hazel, why don't you go to the mall with your friends?

Me: I don't want to.

Mom: Well, I'm sure Isaac would love to see you.

Me: Isaac is blind. He can't see anything.

Mom: Honey, you need to get out of the house.

Me: Not now, Mom. I'm calling Augustus.

Then she just sighs and walks away to tell Dad how I'm wasting my life. I've heard it all: I'll never feel better if I don't get out there and try to enjoy things, spending all my time calling a dead boy and listening to depressing music isn't helping, and I'm going to look back on my teenage years and wish I'd done something more than sit in my room. I can never explain to them that trying to enjoy things will feel like betrayal, calling Augustus lets me pretend he's still here, listening to sad music helps me feel, and I'm probably not going to live long enough to look back on my teenage years. No one understands.

That's what I tell Augustus. "I'm alone," I say into my phone, pretending he'll check his voicemail soon and I'll get a call from him. "No one understands how much I miss you. No one understands that I'm trying to be happy, and I just _can't_. No one understands _me_, Augustus. No one ever did, except for you. And now you're gone."

Of course, there's no reply.

"You probably wouldn't approve of the way I'm dealing with it, either. You'd want me to get out there and find someone else. But...you understand, don't you? You understand that I just can't?" Silence. "God, I hate my life!" I cry, "I hate not having you here! I hate having lungs that suck at breathing! I hate cancer! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!" Augustus would comfort me. Augustus would make me feel better. Augustus would say, "It's okay, Hazel."

That starts me crying. "Okay" was our thing. And the idea of him saying, "It's okay, Hazel," brings back so many memories that I can't help but sob. Sure, the memories are happy, but I know now what I didn't know when they were made. Augustus dies. Hazel is alone. The story ends a tragedy. So, I can't be happy thinking about those memories. Not when it all ended so painfully.

I think of Augustus, listening to me sob. I think of him up in heaven-because a person like Augustus Waters definitely went to heaven-listening to this call on his divine iPhone, and not being able to do anything about it. I think of him hearing me in so much pain, and being totally and completely powerless to help. I know that feeling. I felt it when Augustus called me and told me he'd done something wrong with his G-tube, and he'd been so sick and I couldn't do anything and I felt so helpless. In that moment, I felt as sick as Augustus. I take a deep breath. I can't let ghost-Augustus, up in heaven, feel the same way I did then.

"I'm okay," I say into the phone, "I'm okay. It's okay." I pause. "Okay?"

And I can almost hear his voice coming out of the phone, even though I know it's not there.

"Okay."


End file.
